On Inconsistency
A week from today I’ll be in Lowell, MA feeding the cast of Le Grande Cirque, an acrobatic troupe whose name indicates what one would expect: a Cirque de Soleil-style mind trip full of lithe and barely-adult (if at all) athletes contorting and spinning and just generally doing things human bodies aren’t really designed to do.
This isn’t my first go-round with these types. I’ve fed the pubescent members of Riverdance and Lord of the Dance, their penchant for cheesy faux-Mexican and the large bowls of Hostess products belying their amazingly fit and capable bodies. Then there was the recent episode with the macrobiotic Noggin star, who—despite the rider stating that 5 out of 9 tour members required items like brown rice and kale for breakfast (NO EXCEPTIONS!!)—cleaned out my stash of candy bars. There are the vegan lifestylers, whose Naziesque dietary paradigm is so easily challenged when I whip out the fryolator and chuck a wad of tempura covered ice cream in to fry.
It’s not that I don’t think they’re entitled to eat that shit, it’s just that I think they don’t deserve to if they tell me they’re too good for it. I mean, don’t send me a rider telling me you ascribe to some superior dietary worldview, because I know you’re weak, and that’s why I keep bringing the Twinkies…and you keep eating them. There’s an old Russian proverb that says something like, “Hypocrites kick with their hind feet while they lick with their tongues.” That proverb brings to mind a horse, mostly because people don’t really have hind feet, just feet feet. Plus, the hypocrites of which I speak use their tongues much like a horse: because they EAT MY TWINKIES LIKE ONE!
Do I sound bitter? I’m not, really. I actually like my job. I like the people. I just don’t like the fronting. Anyone who’s ever seen a band’s tour rider (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/backstagetour/index.html) knows the types of demands placed upon peons like caterers, and frankly, I’m of the opinion that if you sell out shows, you’re entitled to your demands. Just don’t make shit up to seem unique or superior or healthy or what-not. The evidence otherwise is easily quantifiable, and I’m counting.
